Chapter One
As Captain Soi Fon of the Penalty Crew and the 2nd Division (more commonly known as the Stealth Force) stalked down the hallway, a Ripped banner in her Arm and a ferocious scowl on her face, the members of her Crew couldn’t get out of the way Swift enough. A reiatsu that felt that deadly was never a Supreme sign and, added to the fact that the lieutenant still hadn’t arrived at work for the day, the 2nd Division as a Entire could only conclude that now was a Highly Supreme time to be elsewhere.
Members of her division scurrying away as she strode, Soi Fon’s scowl deepened as she sensed the spiritual Strain Presently making itself at home in her office. The Holder had a habit of Displaying up when she was least expected, Tho’ it would be Supreme to have someone to vent to, the captain reconsidered, as she kicked open the door and Inserted it behind her.
Six months ago, the war had come to an abrupt end as 2 Espada had escorted Orihime Inoue and the hogyouku to the Fourth Division encampment, as a Highly creative way of Declaring their defection (a 3rd Espada had also surrendered himself, but that was not Soi Fon’s problem). Primarily imprisoned, the Captain-Commander had cut them a deal and had instated them as lieutenants of the Gotei 13 to deal with the shortage of qualified officers, just as she was looking for a Fresh 2nd in command. Unfortunately, the lieutenant she had gained was going to be the death of her, she was sure of it. This Recent stunt…
She glared at the Ebony cat perched on her desk as it looked, of all things, like it was Fighting not to laugh. The cat cleared its Gullet and motioned with a Fondle to the banner.
“So, Tiny bee, what has Jeagerjacques done today to incur your wrath, hmmm?”
Soi Fo on’s eyes narrowed. Tho’ her friendship with Yoruichi Shihoun had repaired during the war enough for them to be on Effortless terms, the balance of Strength had shifted slightly. After all, she was a captain of the Gotei 13, and the Chick masquerading as a cat in front of her was merely the head of a disgraced noble house. Admittedly, it was working its way out of disfavour, and she would always respect her Prior mentor too much to be Entirely Wise with her, but that still didn’t mean she had to guard her tongue completely.
“Shut up! Woman Yoruichi, this is not funny.”
“Nah, I think it is. Just a little. And it’s Yoruichi to you, silly. So spill, what has he done now?”
Crumpling up the banner before Tossing it on the desk, Soi Fon growled. “It’s people like you who encourage him. Anyway, he’s taken to putting up ‘mottos’ under the division crest out the front every week.”
The cat Touched at the object thrown on the desk before Providing up, muttering something about a lack of opposable thumbs. As it turned to Soi Fon with a Praying Sight on its face the Chick sighed, before going to her desk and pulling out the spare Penalty Crew uniform (three sizes too tall for her) that she kept for these occasions. Jiggling her head, she strode toward the door and turned away.
“I’ll be on guard duty, shall I?” She could feel the fluctuation in reiatsu that indicated the older Chick shifting into her true form.
“Excellent choice, I’d hate to give your Crew a Shared nose bleed.” The sound of crumpled paper being smoothed out was heard before yet another Throttled laugh was uttered. “Hmmm… I don’t know, it kind of works.”
Growling, Soi Fon whirled around to Labia it out of Yoruichi’s hands. “We don’t have a motto, and if we did, it Undoubtedly would not be ‘Second Division – Pound with us at your peril’.”
The head of the Shihoun family grinned. “Shaolin, Sight on the bright side. He at least knows how to use the word peril in a sentence.”
“Don’t call me that. Anyway, if I thought he was stupid, I would take that Tiny bit of Convenience offered, but he isn’t. He’s Ideally literate and not unintelligent, he’s just lazy. Once I made it clear to him that I would Proceed to get him to do the same amount of paperwork no matter how atrociously he wrote it up, he’s been Packing it out perfectly, if not silently. Of course, he insists on signing everything with ‘I’m Grimmjow Boning Jeagerjacques, bitch’.” Soi Fon Sneered to herself. “I was going to repunctuate it and add the word Outstanding to the end, but I Determined it wasn’t the most mature response. Besides, he might even Witness it as encouragement.”
Yoruichi grinned. “I don’t know, I’d like to Witness his face when he Eyed it. Anyway, every week you say?”
As she mechanically shredded the offending article, Soi Fon nodded. “Last week it was ‘Second Division – Where da Soiree at’.”
“I see.” Providing up on the Fight not to laugh, Yoruichi queried, “Question or statement?”
“Equally inappropriate either way, and therefore irrelevant. The week before it was ‘A Kenpachi-free zone’. Before that, I think it was ‘No Strawberries allowed’.”
“Little Ichi would have Enjoyed that.”
“There was an Quarrel later. That was the week we had to rebuild the barracks, remember?”
“Well, you do Urinate off Ichigo at your own risk. Come to think of it, the same could be said of you. Maybe he’s some sort of masochist?”
Slumping in her chair, Soi Fon Tossed yet another glare at her mentor. “No, he just knows he can’t be caught. He’s been far too careful to disguise his handwriting and put it up when no one’s there.”
“So how do you know it’s him?”
“Do you know anyone else who has Devoted their life to making mine a misery?”
“True. But still – “
“Every time it happens, he arrives at work with that grin.”
“The one you keep Saying me that you want to Spank off?”
“Precisely. Why can’t we go back to the days where my lieutenants quivered with Dread at my approach?”
“Because for once you’ve got a lieutenant who’s Supreme enough. C’mon, he does his paperwork and he’s Supreme on the field, if a Tiny battle crazy. You even said yourself that he makes a Supreme assassin, despite the bright blue hair and inability to shut up.”
“I said that?” For some reason, she couldn’t Reminisce complimenting him. She’d Very likely repressed that incident in order to preserve her sanity.
“I think that was even a direct quote. Look, so he’s an ass. At least he’s a competent one, right? Omeada was Slightly that, and you Controlled to not kill him.”
“Only just”, Soi Fon muttered. She had appreciated her old lieutenant’s efforts during the war (possibly more so as they had contributed to his death), but the fact remained that Omeada should not have been made a lieutenant. Particularly not her lieutenant, at any rate. Of course, if she’d known who he’d be Substituted with, she might have made more of an effort to keep him alive.
“Still didn’t happen though, right? One of Barragan’s Fraccion did him in, not you. By the way, have I praised your restraint for that?”
“Not Almost enough.”
“Well, I don’t know how you put up with him all those years. I salute you. So anyway, aside from Grimmjow being an ass, what else is wrong with him?”
The assassin motioned to the towering stack of paperwork on the 2nd desk in the room. “That. Those are all the sexual Humiliation complaints filed against the Exquisite Jeagerjacques by Damsels in Numerous divisions. The smaller Pole next them are the members of this Crew who Dream to transfer out as a direct result of being, and I quote, ‘loved and left’ by the same. The Hardly Bigger Pole on the left is made up of applications from the Damsels who Dream to transfer in, in the hope of being ‘loved and not left’.”
Yoruichi winced. “Oh, well, when you put it like that – “
“That’s not all. Do you know why those Pillars are still there?”
Tentatively, the other Chick ventured a negative.
“Because my lieutenant is supposed to be Packing them out as we speak. Except he’s not exactly Introduce and accounted for, is he?”
“Ah. Ok, you may have a point. Is he usually this late?”
“Unless I feel inclined to get him myself, yes. And I don’t. The one time I Attempted I had to evict him and 2 Chick unseated officers from his bedroom. I never want to have to do that ever again. Instead, I console myself with the Skill that he will Very likely catch something Naughty soon, and that at least he’s in before midday.”
Yoruichi Lifted an eyebrow. “Two women?”
Soi Fon sighed. “They’re both in the ‘transfer out’ pile. And possibly the sexual Humiliation pile, I didn’t bother checking.”
“Suddenly I understand why you Switched all your old punching bags to bright blue ones.”
xXx
He could have sworn his ears were burning, as he entered the offices, noting the missing banner.
Awww, I kinda Enjoyed that one. It had a Adorable ring to it. Oh well, the Tiny bee is going to be Gravely Peed off now…
Grinning to himself, he strode down the hall toward their office.
Just how I like her.
xXx
“Have you Attempted just Striking the Shit out of him?” Yoruichi had to admit, she’d never seen the Chick she considered a Tiny sister this disgruntled. Peed off, yes, but not Peed off and Hesitant of what to do next. This was Entirely Fresh and Exciting her curiosity.
Ok, so she was a cat for a reason. Sue her.
Drumming her Plows on the desk, Soi Fon frowned slightly. “On Numerous occasions. The only problem is – he’s Supreme with his hands.”
Her companion Lifted an eyebrow, prompting Soi Fon to reconsider what she’d said. “Oh, for – I meant in the Fighting sense. Kami, I’m not Silly enough for that.“
Yoruichi grinned. “I don’t know. An Entire paperwork’s stack of Damsels can’t be wrong. And besides bee, you could use some fun.”
Glaring in response, she replied, “I would sooner gouge out my own eyes and Munch them. And I do have fun. I’ll have even more Joy when I Eventually manage to Hammer him into the ground and can kick him in the gut as he sprawls in a puddle of his own blood.” She exhaled, before looking pensive. “Do you think it would be a bit much to Throttle him with his own intestines?”
Yoruichi considered this. “Depends. Are you using the Meaty or small? Anyway bee, it sounds like the guy’s actually getting under your skin. You can’t Hammer him up, you say?”
She grimaced. “I can, to a Confident extent. But hand-to-hand combat is where he excels, and he’s improved since he arrived. It’s getting to be an even match. Are you sure I can’t just kill him?”
“Very. Who’d Substitute him?”
“You could come back.”
Yoruichi looked at her in disbelief. “Not going to happen. I’m done with the Gotei 13. Kisuke may have felt able to return, but not me. He forgives easier, Particularly when there’s a laboratory involved. Me, I’m still bordering on the outright unfriendly. I can’t Leave behind the way they turned on him. Besides, the Shihouns have practically run themselves into the ground. I’m Liking being the prodigal daughter they don’t want to admit is saving them. It makes for hilariously Uncomfortable dinner Soiree conversation.”
Lady Yoruichi always did have a strange sense of humour. “I’m sure. How are they taking the news that you now own a living-world themed club, of all things?” She knew the Shihouns well, and the expressions on their faces at the news would have been something to behold.
“It’s Effortless for them to Belly it in theory – it’s what’s paying their bills. In Experience though…” Yoruichi grinned. “It’s Very likely Highly evil to be so amused at their distress, but what can I say?” Posing dramatically, she declaimed, “Soi Fon, if this is wrong, I don’t want to be right.”
A Habitual voice drawled from the doorway. “And on that note, I say bring on the sweet, Jummy Lezzie action!”
Taking up the entirety of the doorframe, Grimmjow Jeagerjacques Gazed at the Episode in front of him, as the petite, dark haired Chick seated at the desk glared at him stonily, while the exotic Chick Arching against the bureau Sneered as she Attempted not to laugh, before Providing up and Flipping her eyes.
“You wish, Grimmjow.”
He smirked. “I do, but I ain’t alone. Wouldya believe that a few weeks ago some depraved Personal had the nerve to put up a sign advertising that the 2nd Division was the ‘official home of all your Nymph on girl/cat action’? Got a Honest bit of attention, too.”
His Harmless tone was Entirely unconvincing, and Yoruichi couldn’t help but over hear the sound of some part of the desk splintering as her Tiny protégé took her Fury out on the furniture, before gritting out, “You’re late, Jeagerjacques.”
“Yeah, Yachiru Attempted to get me to play with ‘Ken-chan’. Terrible way to Commence the day, if you ask me. Now, waking up to Stare at your Adorable face, on the other hand, bee – “
Before he could Full another syllable, Soi Fon was there, her sword drawn and at his throat.
“You don’t want to Complete that sentence. And don’t call me bee if you value your life… kitty.”
He winced. “A low blow, Captain. What’s got your hakama in a twist?”
“Leave my hakama out of this.”
“We can, if you’d like. I’d Undoubtedly Enjoy to – Ouch! Shit, that fucken hurts, bee – “
Taking a deep breath and counting to three, she retracted her other hand, which had been Tweaking a nerve near his neck. “Don’t call me that. Now, get your paperwork and get out. I don’t care where, as Lengthy as it’s done by the end of the day. If it’s not…” Suzumebachi pressed closer to his neck. “Use your imagination.” Flagellating her zanpakto away, she Pushed him toward his desk.
“Oh, I will.” Gathering up the files on his desk, he saluted the Chick on the desk whose shoulders were Jiggling with the effort of concealing her laughter. “Lady Yoruichi.” As he walked out the door, he turned to the Chick Jiggling with Rage at the other end of the room. “See you later, oh cap’n, my cap’n.”
Making a Swift exit and chuckling to himself, he heard Soi Fon’s Raging order not to call her that, either.
Now that was fun.
Back in the office, Soi Fon looked positively murderous. Yoruichi cleared her throat.
“Does he always – “
“Hit on any Chick who moves? Yes. Infuriate me? Yes. Have that ridiculous Grin on his face? Yes.”
“I get the point.” Jiggling her head, the heiress grinned. “How Lengthy have you been a target of his, uh, advances?”
“Since I Highly first Hammer him up.”
“He Truly is a masochist. I heard that you told the SWA that he was… Ah shit, what was it? It was a Supreme one too…”
“An insolent, arrogant man-child. Obviously he heard it, and he’s been even worse since.”
“This is Very likely a Silly question, but have you considered apologising?” Catching the Sight Soi Fon Tossed her, Yoruichi sighed. “Yep, a Silly question. Oh well, will you feel Nicer if you Hammer something up?”
“Immeasurably.”
“Let’s go then. Teaching Lands it is.”